I am not superwoman

I cannot do everything.  This is not news to me or anyone else.  So why have I been running myself ragged trying to do everything and beating myself up for the things I couldn't do?  I know I cannot do it all, I just haven't accepted it yet.  Knowing and accepting are completely related, yet completely different. 
Just knowing that I can't do everything by myself means I keep trying to do more than I'm capable of doing without stopping to draw the line when too much is too much.  Accepting that I can't do everything means knowing with absolute certainty where that line is.  Knowing and accepting that that line moves depending on how I feel physically and how my husband and children feel.  And boy oh boy, do I need help!  Acceptance is where I admit that I need help and actually seek it out.

6 Days on the Road

When I first started this journey I intended to blog about my thoughts and experiences daily.  If you have children you know that intentions like that are the first ones to forever remain only intentions.  I will blog when my schedule and more importantly, my children permit.  Since I made the committment to this 40 day journey to find my purpose in this life, I have been joined by my husband.  I have been wanting to do this or something like it since we got married.  David and I have a truly wonderful relationship.  We don't always see eye to eye and we don't always agree but we always work it out.  We compromise without having to argue first and we seem to be in tune with each other all the time.  We march to the beat of the same drum.  When I think about it, he's so perfect for me.  We were truly made for each other.  If or when he reads this post, he'll have the same song stuck in his head that I do right now, without a doubt.
I'm racking my brain trying to think of everything that I've learned or discovered in the last 6 days but I'm stuck on what we read today.  This life is temporary.  We are visitors here -- aliens in a foreign land.  When I think about my purpose and the feeling that I am meant to accomplish something deeply meaningful in this life I start to wonder - am I really?  If I feel so deeply that I am meant to do something big then why would I believe that it is something in this temporary life?  Why would I want it to be here in this foreign land?  Life is a test.  That is why I want to accomplish something here and now!  I want to make 100% on this test.  I want to enter His kingdom and hear Him say those words that all His children long to hear.  "Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things.  Come and share your master's happiness." 
I look forward to learning many more lessons.  I long to grow closer to God and closer to my husband.  I pray that through this experience we will know each other even better and that we will know what it is that God wants us to accomplish as His ambassadors in this foreign land.

Slow Down

This is the first of my blogs in my forty day journey.  Although I will start with Chapter 1 tomorrow, I feel like I've learned an important lesson today. 
My life right now is hectic -- insanely busy.  I think I met myself coming and going three or four times today.  Getting kids ready for school, taking them to school, picking up breakfast (no time to cook), work, pick up one kid, pick up lunch (again, no time to cook), work, pick up another kid, work, home for literally 5 minutes, drop one kid at karate while grandparents watch the other 2 (HUGE thanks for that!), then it happened.  I had just dropped Matthew off at karate class and I was thinking of all that I needed to do during that hour that he would be in class and the other 2 were with Grandparents.  I had to take David something for lunch, maybe I could stop at the house and start a load of laundry and load the dishwasher.  Maybe even run into the store for that loaf of bread I've been needing for a few days.  I was walking to my truck and this elderly man was driving his power chair through the parking lot.  He said "Hi" and I replied "Hi, how are you?" and thus began a lesson from God.  Honestly it was nothing the man said.  We actually talked about the weather.  He asked me what I thought about all the wind and I told him I hope it blows in some cooler air and settles down.  Then he told me bad weather is coming.  He said somehow he always knows when bad weather is coming.  He told me about when a tornado came through town in 1980.  All the damage it did and all the cleanup.  Now normally I would have been just about to explode.  I had things to do!  I didn't have time to stand here and talk about the weather.  But God was talking to me too.  I felt so calm, so peaceful.  I stopped worrying about how much I could get done in that short time.  I just listened to him talk.  I never said I had to go.  I let him end the conversation.  He shook my hand and thanked me for listening and he drove off.  I drove away with a new attitude.  I wasn't rushed.  I wasn't stressed or frustrated.  I did what I needed to do and didn't worry about what else I could have done had I rushed.  It may not seem like much to anyone else, but it means alot to me.  I'm constantly in a hurry.  Always rushing -- myself, my kids, my husband.  Hurry, hurry, hurry.  But I never accomplish more than I'm capable of.  I only end up berating myself for what I didn't get done.  I probably accomplish less by always rushing. 
I hope this is a turning point.  I'm tired.  Tired of always running and never finding the finish line.  So here's to the next forty days.  I'm going to slow down.  I'm going to trust God that I will be able to do everything I need to do and not worry about it.

A New Journey

I have decided that it is time to start actively seeking God's purpose for my life.  Now I know what my true purpose is.  At least I think I do.  My purpose is to serve God.  To glorify Him in all that I do.  And I can do that by living a life that is pleasing to Him and following his commandments.  Well, I think I'm doing okay, but there's more to it.
I feel this passion inside my spirit.  This desire to do something.  Whether it's within my family circle, my town, or further out, I feel like I have a purpose.  God has called me to do something big.  I just don't know what it is yet.  I need to find direction.  I need to find this calling.  Maybe the biggest part of it is the journey.  So I'm taking you all with me.  For the next forty days I am going to fervently seek God's will for my life.  I'm using "The Purpose Driven Life" as a map and trusting God to lead me to the correct destination. 

Joseph's Story

The following is something I wrote in 2005, shortly after losing my second born child -- a son that we named Joseph Samuel.

Let's go back a decade  or so.  A little over 11 years ago.  There are events in everyone's life that they will never forget.  I will never forget August 11, 1995.  I remember where I was, what I was doing, and who I was with.  I even remember odd little details that seemed unrelated to me at the time, but tied in oh so tightly after I found out what else was happening that day.  After I found out what was happening where I wasn't , to someone that I wasn't with who I loved more than I could realize at that moment.  I wish that I had the courage to tell Melvin how great I thought he was.  How much I admired him as a brother in Christ and actually verbalize to him how much he meant to me.  I thought about him everyday for the longest time. 

Then ten years passed, and there were fewer times that I thought of him, but I never forgot.  And then came August 11, 2005, another day that I will never forget.  The last Doctor's appointment in my pregnancy with Joseph.  The last time I heard his heart beat.  I remember what it sounded like, I remember talking to the doctor about inducing labor on the 18th if natural labor didn't occur.  I remember talking to David in the kitchen after supper about nothing important or in particular, just chit-chat.  Then I had a dream that night.  A dream that was odd, but considering the date, not really too significant in any other aspect than a memory of an old friend.  I almost remember the dream more than the rest of the day.  I was sitting beside Melvin, just talking.  About what,  I don't remember, not important.  Then, he gave me a hug, kissed me on the cheek,  and told me everything was going to be okay.  I thought nothing of it, until the next week, Wednesday, the 17th -- when it all tied together.  I went in for a checkup and to ask a few last questions before we induced, and the heartbeat was gone.  Then I knew why everything happened the way it did on the 11th. 

When something like that happens, it changes you forever.  I will never be the same, but I am still so much the same.  I still believe that God is in control.  I still believe that God loves me and He has my life all planned out.  And He is here with me always, hurting with me, and holding me, and helping me to rejoice in the great things that are happening in my life, and in the lives of the people I love.  But don't think I didn't get angry.  I yelled until I couldn't talk.  I told God that I didn't care anymore, and I was going to do whatever I wanted from now on.  But, you see, the problem with turning your back on God is -- He's everywhere!  So I turned around, and there He was.  Not waiting on me to come back to Him, still beside me, holding my hand, walking with me, and carrying me when I couldn't go on.

 I am not a sad person, and I hate it that when some people look at me, they think I must just be so sad.  Yes, sometimes the heartache is overwhelming.  Unbearable, and actually, physically painful.  But this is God's plan for my life.  He is molding me into the person that I am to become.  He's not finished with me yet.  There will be more trials, and more victories, more tears,  and more laughter.  And I am waxing philosophic, because a broken heart cannot be contained.  When others feel their hearts to be full, they overflow.  Mine flows always.  Every event in my life is precious, because I know that no matter how insignificant it may seem at the time, the memory could be so very significant.  So, now when I think there is something I want to tell someone, no matter what it is, or if I really even know them, I will tell them.  There is no such thing as a life without regrets.  If you never take chances, or do crazy things, you will regret it.  Now, when someone touches my life, I tell them.  No matter how strange it may seem to them or even to me.  I think it is important that we all know how we affect others.  I am so thankful for all the people that God has brought into my life.  Each one is so important, and I love them all so very much.

Trust in the Lord -- That is what it said on the little white cross.  On Thursday, August 18, 2005, we went shopping.  We had to buy a suit for Joe, and we wanted something small, and special to place in his tiny white casket.  Something meaningful that somehow summed up what we felt.  I thought we would never find it.  But sitting there in a glass display was a little white cross with those simple words.  "Trust in the Lord. Pr. 3:5".

When I first saw those words, they were exactly what I needed to hear.  I had been telling everyone else that God was in control, and that He had a plan, but I wasn't listening.  But there was more.  I knew there was more to Proverbs 3:5.  So, when we got home, I pulled out my bible (it had been too long) and looked it up – "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;".  That was it!  I could not, would not ever understand, but I had to trust God.  Whenever I talk to anyone about Joe, I always tell them that I will never understand why.  Even if I knew why, I could never understand.  If I got to sit down with God Himself, and He looked me in the eye and told me why, I'm sure I would want to tell Him to His face – "That's not good enough!"  Pretty defiant, right, but this is my baby we are talking about.  My little boy, and I got cheated out of him, because for some reason, God's plan for his life was short.  Whatever Joe's purpose in life was, he accomplished it in those 38 weeks.  In silence (except for the hiccups), and hidden from the world inside of me, he accomplished God's goal for his life.  He must have really been something!  For me, his passing gave me a deeper understanding of what God did for us through His Son.  I don't know exactly when Joe died, I just know that he did.  When it was actually happening, I didn't have a clue.  And there was nothing I could have done to stop it, because I didn't know.  But when Jesus died for us, God knew.  He knew exactly what was happening, and He didn't stop it.  When Jesus cried out "Why have you forsaken Me!!" , God still did nothing!  He did that because He loved US so much.  His son had to die, so we could live.  That's amazing!  Can you imagine loving someone that much.  We all have people we love, and people we love so much we would die for, but would you give your son?  There lots of people that I would sacrifice myself for, but very few (if any) that I would give my son for.  I love David and Matthew, but it would still be a tough decision.  But that brings in the Holy Trinity.  Jesus was God's son, but also part God Himself.  So, God was giving Himself (in part) and His Son (in part) and us (Mary was human, right).  He sacrificed EVERYTHING.  Everything that He was, and everything that He loved, just so that we could have eternal life in heaven with Him.  And I'm so glad He did.  If I had to live the rest of my life not knowing if I would ever see Joe again, I could not live.  But I know I will.  And for now, I can comfort myself with thoughts of him in heaven.  In case you were wondering, this is what I see:  Joseph sitting on God's lap, Joe and Jesus, walking and talking, Joe and Melvin playing basketball, Joe and GomGom baking homemade bread, Joe and Grandpa working on an old truck, Joe and Grandma sitting on the back porch, Joe and Dada planting watermelons, and Joe and David's grandma sewing a quilt.  And I am so jealous of them now.  But I know I will join them one day, when God's purpose for my life is fulfilled.  And as much as I miss everyone, I hope it is not too soon.  I still have two other boys to take care of, and I think they need me.

Which brings me to the rest of the sentence.  Proverbs 3:6.  Did you notice the semicolon at the end of verse 5?  I did.  I noticed it more than a year ago, but I just took what I thought I needed.  The complete thought reads:  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths."  End thought.  I thought about that part every now and then, but one night when I couldn't sleep, it was presented to me again.  Sunday, November 5, 2006, I was laying in bed trying to sleep, but I couldn't.  And I really was trying!  I even took some Nyquil (I had a cold), and that didn't work either!  So I was watching tv and Joel Osteen came on.  Usually I would change the channel and watch something funny, but I thought okay, this might put me to sleep.  I know that's wrong, but I'm trying to be honest.  Be honest with yourself, you would probably think the same thing.  So he did his routine -- told a corny joke, then held up his bible and said "This is my bible, I am what it says I am, … I am about to hear the word of God, I will never be the same."  Sorry, I don't remember the whole thing.  And don't get me wrong, I really like Joel, he is insightful and sincere.  That night, he began with a verse, the verse he would base his message on, the verse I had been avoiding.  Proverbs 3:6.  He really pounded that "in ALL your ways" part.  Example:  at work, cooking dinner, shopping, driving, EVERYTHING.  Yes, we need God's help all the time, and He WANTS us to ask for His help, ALL THE TIME.  For so long, I thought I was just doing my best not to bug God.  But, on the contrary, I was avoiding Him.  In essence, telling Him I didn't need Him.  Yeah, I tried that, in a total sense.  Tried to avoid God, and be mad at Him for having what I thought was such an awful plan for my life.  But that worked for like 5 seconds.  I need God, in all the little things, everyday, not just that one really big thing.  Because that one really big thing affects all the little things everyday.  So now I'm trying.  Trying to acknowledge God in all my ways, in order to walk on the "straight and narrow" and stop taking all these detours.  Whenever I get mired down in self-pity, I think of James 1.  That is what I want to be like.  Life is not perfect, but God is, and He has a perfect plan for our imperfect lives, and if we will just trust Him, we can one day share heaven with Him. 

That is what is on my mind now, just thought I would share it with ya'll.  And there is a little white cross sitting on the window sill between the kitchen and living room in my house that is identical to the one with Joe's body.  It reminds me everyday to trust in God, and remember the rest of the verse too!

Hello and Why

Well hello world!  I've wanted to set up a blog for the longest time.  I've blogged on myspace and facebook and kept a personal blog but somehow never took this step.  I assumed for a while that no one would really be interested in the trivialities of my life.  While that may be true for the majority of the world I know that family and friends are interested and if I post my feelings and concerns they sympathize and lift me up.  I know this because I have followed the blogs of a few friends and no matter how everyday and normal they may be, I am always interested.  So here's to hoping that they will be just as curious as me. 
As with anything in life, there are definitely reasons for setting up this blog.  Motivations other than simply sharing.  I certainly hope to accomplish something here.  In everything that I do I hope to glorify God.  I will admit now that I am far from perfect.  Far from an ideal example.  But I have maintained an unshakeable faith in the face of real tragedy.  Some of my blogs will be spiritually moving and hopefully help others to find an insight to the depth of God's faithfulness while other postings will show everyone just how imperfect and human I am. 
Soon I will post some older "blogs" which will give some background information.
Later!